Yeah, a Kiss and a Hug,
it ain't too Much Damn Trouble!
I remember that I came home one
Monday, after making Friday, Saturday and Sunday at a good
flea market up in Tazewell, Virginia. When I opened the
door, May had the dog on her lap and both were asleep. It
was around twelve, time for the news, so I picked up the
remote control and tried to turn the TV on to get the news.
Suddenly, Gee Gee, our poodle, woke up and started barking.
She jumped off May's lap, ran over to me and jumped up into
my arms. May woke up, looked at me wide-eyed and said, "It's
about time that you got here! I've been without TV for two
weeks and the car won't run. I'm about to run out of food
for Gee Gee and myself. I ain't got but three cigarettes
left and ain't had a damn can of beer for a week."
I asked, "Is there anything else you ain't had?" To which
she replied, "Yeah, a kiss and a hug. If it ain't too much
damn trouble, how about putting Gee Gee down and giving me a
kiss and a hug?"
I walked over and gave her a long French kiss and said, "Is
there anything else that you would like to have, Madam
Mayzell?" She was panting a little bit and looked up and
said, "Yeah, but not now."
Gee Gee jumped back on her lap, sat up and started licking
her on the kisser.
I then inquired, "What's wrong with the TV?" She answered,
"I had the TV repairman to check it and he said that it
would cost as much to fix as it would to buy a new one."
Then I asked about the car.
She said, "Go take a look. I was up at Paul's (her older
brother) on Green Mountain. On the way back home, you know
how rough the road is with all those rocks in it. Well,
anyhow, I must have hit one of them and busted the muffler
out. I made it back home and parked. Since then, it won't
I went outside and raised the hood on the car. From there,
everything looked OK to me. Then I looked under it and saw
the entire exhaust system hanging down onto the ground and
said to myself, "I guess that you did hit a rock."
I crawled under the car and looked at the motor and saw that
the oil pan had a hole in it. The exhaust pipe flanges that
held the pipes to the manifold were broken too.
Then I looked in the back seat and part of the tail pipes
were sticking through the floor. All the while May kept
looking through the window. I went to the door and asked her
for the keys and she told me that they were in the glove
I went back and got in the car and tried to start it. All I
got was a 'click, click.' Before I got in my van, I told her
that I was going to get someone to fix it.
I then drove to a nearby garage where I had all my
mechanical work done. The man told me, after I had told him
what I needed, that May had him check it out about a week
ago, after she got out of jail.
I asked, "What in the hell was she in jail for?" He told me
D.U.I. (drunk driving).
After that, I went back home and told her to forget about
the car. It would have to have a new motor, a new
transmission, a complete exhaust system and the floorboards
patched. What she had done was to drive it without any oil,
and froze up the engine bearings. Throughout the years, she
had occasionally gotten stoned and had wrecked half a dozen
cars. Luckily, her car had always been the only one involved
in the accidents but this was the straw that broke the
camel's back. Never again would I ever buy her another car.
She tried to kick the habit time and time again, by signing
herself into rehab clinics or hospitals but always reverted
back to the Old Milwaukee. Well, I told Paul, the owner of
the garage, to come and get the car and junk it. An hour
later, he came with his wrecker and towed it away.
To be Continued