Yeah, a Kiss and a Hug,

 If it ain't too Much Damn Trouble!


I remember that I came home one Monday, after making Friday, Saturday and Sunday at a good flea market up in Tazewell, Virginia. When I opened the door, May had the dog on her lap and both were asleep. It was around twelve, time for the news, so I picked up the remote control and tried to turn the TV on to get the news.

Suddenly, Gee Gee, our poodle, woke up and started barking. She jumped off May's lap, ran over to me and jumped up into my arms. May woke up, looked at me wide-eyed and said, "It's about time that you got here! I've been without TV for two weeks and the car won't run. I'm about to run out of food for Gee Gee and myself. I ain't got but three cigarettes left and ain't had a damn can of beer for a week."

I asked, "Is there anything else you ain't had?" To which she replied, "Yeah, a kiss and a hug. If it ain't too much damn trouble, how about putting Gee Gee down and giving me a kiss and a hug?"

I walked over and gave her a long French kiss and said, "Is there anything else that you would like to have, Madam Mayzell?" She was panting a little bit and looked up and said, "Yeah, but not now."

Gee Gee jumped back on her lap, sat up and started licking her on the kisser.

I then inquired, "What's wrong with the TV?" She answered, "I had the TV repairman to check it and he said that it would cost as much to fix as it would to buy a new one." Then I asked about the car.

She said, "Go take a look. I was up at Paul's (her older brother) on Green Mountain. On the way back home, you know how rough the road is with all those rocks in it. Well, anyhow, I must have hit one of them and busted the muffler out. I made it back home and parked. Since then, it won't start."

I went outside and raised the hood on the car. From there, everything looked OK to me. Then I looked under it and saw the entire exhaust system hanging down onto the ground and said to myself, "I guess that you did hit a rock."

I crawled under the car and looked at the motor and saw that the oil pan had a hole in it. The exhaust pipe flanges that held the pipes to the manifold were broken too.

Then I looked in the back seat and part of the tail pipes were sticking through the floor. All the while May kept looking through the window. I went to the door and asked her for the keys and she told me that they were in the glove compartment.

I went back and got in the car and tried to start it. All I got was a 'click, click.' Before I got in my van, I told her that I was going to get someone to fix it. I then drove to a nearby garage where I had all my mechanical work done. The man told me, after I had told him what I needed, that May had him check it out about a week ago, after she got out of jail.

I asked, "What in the hell was she in jail for?" He told me D.U.I. (drunk driving).

After that, I went back home and told her to forget about the car. It would have to have a new motor, a new transmission, a complete exhaust system and the floorboards patched. What she had done was to drive it without any oil, and froze up the engine bearings. Throughout the years, she had occasionally gotten stoned and had wrecked half a dozen cars. Luckily, her car had always been the only one involved in the accidents but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Never again would I ever buy her another car.

She tried to kick the habit time and time again, by signing herself into rehab clinics or hospitals but always reverted back to the Old Milwaukee. Well, I told Paul, the owner of the garage, to come and get the car and junk it. An hour later, he came with his wrecker and towed it away.


To be Continued


Posted here courtesy of Midway Publications - Copyright 1999 William T. Usher All rights reserved


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