Hey Rube


One time we played a spot, and one of the joints beat a mark out of some money and the dude said, "That wheel is fixed! I want my money back, or me and my buddies here will tear this stand down."

The agent wasn't about to kick back the mark's scratch, so a fight started with eight or ten people involved. One of the carnies hollered, "Hey Rube," and in a few minutes four or five marks were on the ground. The fuzz came and arrested the agent and two of the carnies. The next morning, they appeared before the county squire. Ralph, the fixer was there. The mark told the judge what had happened and showed his puffed up lips and his bandaged head. He said that he was trying to get this man (and pointed to the agent) to give him his money back and that he had hollered for some guy by the name of Rube. Said that Rube had hit him in his mouth and beat him on the head with a hammer.

One of the cops said, "We can't find this man called Rube, but we're still looking for him for assault and battery." Ralph asked, "May I ask the gentleman a few questions, Your Honor?" The squire said, "Go ahead,"
Ralph spoke, "In the first place, you were gambling, is that right?" The mark said, "I reckon you can call it that, but the wheel was crooked." Ralph then said, "It takes two to gamble. Your Honor, what is the fine for gambling in this county?" The judge replied, "Anywhere from fifty dollars up to a thousand, plus from thirty days to a year on the county farm."

Ralph then turned to the judge and said, "Then you'll have to arrest both parties involved and put them in jail and fine both of them, unless the charges are dropped." Then he asked the mark, "Sir, do you want to go to jail, or would you rather drop all charges?"

Naturally, the mark agreed by saying. "I drop the charges against that man (and he pointed to the agent), but not against that fella Rube." Ralph followed with, "Sir, we will do everything in our power to help you find him." Then Ralph and the other carny went back to the lot to see if they could find Rube.

Once in a while, the girly shows would take a snatch and the gals would be arrested for indecent exposure, fined half a yard, or maybe a yard and they would be back at work the next night.

Well, it so happened that in this county it was election time and the D.A. was running for reelection. He figured that a little bit more publicity would help him get elected again. So, the D.A. and a news photographer, plus reporters and police, raided the girly show and took all five of the girls to jail.

The next morning, the headlines in the newspapers read, "D.A. Raids Girly Show." They had pictures of the front of the show and of the girls being loaded into the paddy wagon. It also said in small print 'girls arrested for indecent and lewd dancing. Story on page five.'

Well, after three days and nights in jail, the press should have taken a peek at the naughty girls....all faggots.

With all their whiskers and their wigs off, the jailer didn't waste any time calling the D.A. When he saw them, he quickly arranged a closed door hearing.

When the judge saw them in their costumes and gaffed up, knockers, almost bald and whiskered, he cracked up laughing, fined them a sawbuck each and turned them loose. The D.A. couldn't be found for comment.


To be Continued


Posted here courtesy of Midway Publications - Copyright 1999 William T. Usher All rights reserved


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