Ding 'Em Hard

by Lee Kolozsy

The all time class act in the art of  Circus Sideshow motivational presentation ( the PITCH ) I encountered  at an early age nearly a half century ago. My Dad was an unrecognized genius in the world of entertainment, a Master Showman now remembered for all the wrong things. There are many terrific stories about his adventures in showbiz, this is not one of them, however if not for him I wouldn't have this story to tell.

In the early sixties he managed to support a family of four working full time in show business. He had developed an act for every market. He had several acts for the circus, high riggings for the fairs and parks, other acts for night clubs, even strange illusions for the carnival sideshow. That's where I ran into this gem...

This was the William T. Collins Shows, way before it became the Murphy Bros. Exposition, as a matter of fact both Jim and Jerry were working in the flat store for Don Pierson. The good old days when you could make any play you were big enough and bad enough to get away with.

Inside the dusty ragged khaki yellow push pole top behind a ten section wooden banner line with the usual stock O-Henry banners that could apply to almost any act the ten in one was in full swing. The crowd was so big that four of the six stages were tipped up. This was the traditional setup where the bally talker turned the tip and the crowd moved from stage to stage till they got to the blowoff.  As in many aspects of real life, the blowoff is what this is all about.

The last stage in the lineup had on it only an enormous overstuffed chair. A grizzled old lecturer who spoke like a PHD ( pretty heavy drinker ? ) took the stage and with eloquent hyperbole brought on the fat lady.  

There was a buzz as the crowd made the usual comments as the fat lady waddled out from behind a curtain and took her place in the massive chair. and the lecture went...

" JOLLY DOLLY, SO BIG SO HUGE, IT TAKES SIX MEN TO HUG HER AND A BOX CAR TO LUG HER, AND WHEN SHE LAUGHS SHE SHAKES LIKE JELLY AND YOU KNOW IT'S JELLY CAUSE JAM DON'T SHAKE THAT WAY.  ALL THAT MEAT AND NO POTATOES, FELLA'S HERE'S THE GAL YOU WANNA MARRY, YOU'LL GET PLENTY OF WARMTH IN THE WINTER AND PLENTY OF SHADE IN THE SUMMER, SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY SIX POUNDS AND GETTING BIGGER BY THE DAY. 

THANK YOU VERY MUCH AT THIS TIME THE MANAGEMENT HAS ASKED ME TO ANNOUNCE THAT A SPECIAL ACT ESPECIALLY FOR THE LADIES AND THE YOUNGSTERS WILL BE APPEARING ON THE GREEN STAGE AT THE OTHER END OF THE TENTED THEATRE ALL THE GENTLEMEN  OVER THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN ARE INVITED TO STAY FOR A SPECIAL PORTION OF THIS PERFORMANCE WHERE THE FAT LADY WILL GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE A VERY UNUSUAL ANATOMICAL ABNORMALITY.  NOW THIS I REPEAT IS ONLY FOR THE GENTLEMEN BETWEEN THE AGES OF EIGHTEEN TO EIGHTY, BECAUSE IF YOU'RE UNDER EIGHTEEN YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND IT, AND IF YOU'RE OVER EIGHTY YOU PROBABLY CAN'T STAND IT!

As soon as the women and children had moved on to watch the magician pitching the mouse on the green stage, the old lecturer put down the scratchy mike and with a two handed gesture indicating move in closer he bent down over there heads and with a conspiritorial intimacy he said...

"O.K. BOYS, THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.  THE FAT LADY IS GONNA GO BEHIND THE CURTAIN AND ANY OF YOU WHO WANNA GO WITH HER CAN GIVE ME A DOLLAR AND FOLLOW ALONG.  SHE'S GONNA SIT IN A CHAIR, SHE'S GONNA LIFT UP HER DRESS, SHE'S GONNA SPREAD HER LEGS, AND SHE'S GONNA SHOW YOU HER PUSSY.  WHO'S GOING WITH HER ?"

Well those farm boys all but broke their wrists pulling dollars from their pockets and pretty soon all but a few who were desperately begging their good time buddies for a loan were behind the curtain. And now for the blow off...

The fat lady sat in creaking wooden folding chair in the corner of the annex and spread her massive thighs as far as they would go, then she raised her skirt just above the knee, and with her finger she pointed to a tiny black cat tattooed on the inside of her thigh just above the knee and said " Look at my pussy boys, look all you want!"

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